Wedding Revenge

I spent the last week & a half (nearly two) most of which was spent having a dress made [yes, my shit is custom], figuring out what accessories would look perfect with it. Trying to fit everything I’d need in one suitcase so we wouldn’t have to pay a small fortune in luggage fees. Checking, checking, and re-checking my list, making sure I had everything to spend 2 ½ glorious day in the beautiful Portland, Oregon to attend the wedding of a cousin on my mother’s side.

The ceremony was a beautiful park atop a hill. I rocked the wedding in a killer red dress, black flats and a cute little blazer that kept me warm during the reception. I had intended to wear these super cute heel but after walking down hill to get to the wedding site and my heels slowly sinking in to the wet ground as we took picture I surrendered, accepting the fact that I was not meant to rock those cuties there. I spent the entire reception sipping on my drinks [I had 2 slow gin fizzes], making small talk with other guests, and avoiding the dance floor [with every fiber of my being] despite coaxing from family and complete strangers for fear that I would embarrass myself in front of Hottie-mc-bartender, who apparently also doubles as food server, busboy, and eye-candy… Any who my cousin looked completely gorgeous in her wedding gown and her new husband looked very dapper and you could just tell they make each other happy.

 

 

In honor of the happy new couple I decided to do the Wedding Revenge. In some cases the story makes the Groom out to be the bad guy, in other it the Bride that does the betraying. Feeling for the men of the world I’m, going for the latter to prove that not all men are scum sucking pigs and that women can be total inconsiderate self-servant bitches. As always I’ve heard this one is true and apparently happened near Clemson University.

 

The families of the bride and groom come from far and wide to attend a beautiful wedding. The groom stands at the altar with a smile on his face as his future father-in-law walks his daughter down the aisle. They’re all smiles, tears, and cheers as the exchange vow, place the rings on each other’s finger and share their first kiss. The guest toss rice and blow bubbles as the new couple exit the church and head off for the reception.

 

The guests gather at the reception site as they await the arrival of the new couple. When they arrive the dancing and drinking begin. The groom soon takes the stage, mic in hand ready to give his toast. “Excuse me.” he says as the music stops and everyone gives their undivided attention. “First I’d like to say thank you to the parents of my wife. They’ve made this entire wedding possible.” The in-laws exchange looks happy to provide for such a beautiful event. “I’d also like to say thank you to all our friends and family for attending our wedding, and bringing all these cards and gifts.” They guest cheer for being acknowledged. “To show my appreciation to all of you, there is a gift taped to the bottom of each of your seats.” They all dig under their chairs, excited what gift has been bestowed upon them. Gasps fill the room as the guest open their envelopes, viewing its contents. “You see, my lovely bride and my best friend have been having an affair. I’ve suspected for a while but the P.I. I hired confirmed.” The bride and best man look on mortified; they have no idea what to do. “Again, I’d like to say thank you to my in-laws for providing the lovely wedding and this great party!” He then looked to the bride and best man and said “FUCK YOU!” and then left.

 

As soon as the courthouse opened he went and had the marriage annulled.

 

Here’s to a master card moment.

                A beautiful wedding                                                                                             $30,000

                A fancy dinner for 400 people                                                                            $3,500
                Providing and open bar                                                                                       $2000
                The look on the bride face when she was boning the best man                  PRICELESS!

 

Again I like to say congrats Mrs. Jessi and Mr. Dan, whose marriage is sure to last decades longer than the couple in the urban legend!

Cheers to the happy couple!

Easy A

When you look at the title you’re probably thinking I mean that adorkable little movie starring Emma Stone and hottie Penn Badgley, well, I’m not. 

Penn Badgley

Ask around about the best way to get an A and most people will tell you “Study hard”. Some people will tell you “Cheat.” With ideas of writing the answers on your hands or copying off the brainiac that sits in front of you or even stealing the answers ahead of time. But we all know that cheating AND stealing is wrong.  *scoffs. Yeah right we’ve all stolen something and cheated... Right?     Eh hem!

 
So we’ve all heard the rumors before you get an A through grief, but you may be wondering how exactly does that work. Well, pipe down and I’ll tell you… sorry I was channeling Tarantino al a Zoe Bell.




So it goes like this; a young, promising academia was having a hard time with his current semester in college, so much so that he was in danger of being placed on academic probation (basically if he fails 2 consecutive semesters without a feasible cause they can and would take away is financial aid awards & scholarships.) He is desperate for a solution, anything to keep him in school and ultimately make his family proud and provide a better life for himself.

He’d heard the stories before around the campus—if you roommate dies you get a free A for the entire semester. In his mind there are only 3 ways this is going to happen; murder, suicide, or natural causes. Figuring the latter was least likely he is left with either finding a sad depressed person who would kill himself with a bit of coaxing or muddying his hands and taking the life of another student. He frantically searched the campus for any student that showed the slightest sign of suicidal tendencies, with no luck.

With time quickly running out and the semester nearing its end he knew if he was going to pass it was time to take a risk.

He knew in order to get the A he couldn’t earn on his own he’d have to take it into his own hands and kill his roommate. To make himself feel better about the impending act he told himself “My roommate is getting what’s coming to him” and “He isn’t a good guy.”

 

Many variations of this tale exist varying from campus to campus and state to state so the ending depends on where you hear it. Some say the roommate needs to have been murdered, accidentally killed, or be sickly and dying which would earn the surviving roommate a 4.0. Other versions say to the A you must experience the death of a parent, close relative or a significant other (or lover).

In reality some school will consider you grief when it comes to grading but there is no know college that will give you that coveted 4.0/A for a semester for you loss of someone close to you, accidental or not.

See is in a movie—

                Dead Man on Campus - 1998- starring Tom Everett Scott, Mark-Paul Gosselarr, and Poppy Montgomery.
And
                Dead Man’s Curve -1998- starring Matthew Lillard and Keri Russell

So if this story were true could you and would you be so desperate and callous that you could take the life of another human? Helpless and innocent or downright wicked could you do it for a semester of A’s? I know that’s not the type of people you are… Right?

Organ Donor

Way back when.... Okay 6, almost 7 years ago. When I turned 15 and half I went and got my drivers permit and I checked the yes box asking if I wanted to be an organ donor. I just figured if the organs are healthy and I'm not using them let someone else have 'em. That being said if I'm alive and still kicking I want to keep my organs left right where they are... unless my mother needs a kidney or my dad needs a piece of my liver.

This story features the theft of organs.

No not that organ... this one!















Thank you.





Some of you may be thinking oh no  not this old tale. Some of you may be thinking this is a sad way to reboot. Either way I do not care, I believe this one is an oldie and a goodie... I still like you though.  While reading this keep Hannibal Lecter out of your head,  you know his deal was fried brains, fava beans, and a nice Chianti.





Once upon a time there was a young man at a bar  An unsuspecting young vacationer traveling alone  is sitting at a bar when a beautiful woman inquires about his company. They spend the night enjoying each other's company only to end up in the hotel room of the vacationer. The following morning the vacationer wakes up in a tub full of ice and a sore back. He pulls himself from the tub and makes his way over to the mirror to identify the source of his pain. He finds his skin stitched together. After he is taken to the hospital the doctors there reveal that one of his kidneys had been removed, not just that but it was done professionally.

With minor variations of this story has been told hundreds,  if not thousands of times over but sadly this one is true.

See it in a movie-- Turistas

I can't help but wonder two things about this story.


1. I there really any money to be made in organ donations [theft]?









2. Do they leave nice notes like this one?

By the way we should all be legal organ donors.
If you are then you get a gold star and a telepathic high five.
If not you get a hiss from the masses and a telepathic head slap.

The Meixcan Pet

There are so many Urban Legends out there I wasn't really sure where to start, I did some thinking and at the first thought of Urban Legends the one that really sticks out to me is The Mexican Pet, also known as the Mexican Rat.

Some variations of this Legend say it takes place in Africa, Spain and China. Variations also say the rat wasn't mistaken for a dog but a hamster or an armadillo. While I find the hamster aspect slighltly unlikely I find the armadillo aspect a father out there, and I by out there I mean way out there, past the stars and what was previously [and in my mind still is] the ninth planet in our solar system, the beloved Pluto... Fare thee well Pluto we do miss thee!!



Now on to the tale...

In the tradition of Urban Legends this came from a friend of a friend whose uncle dated this woman.

A woman and her friends had planned a trip to Mexico. As they were shopping a stray dog began following them around. The woman took pity on the small animal and fed it, instantly falling in love she decided the animal had to come home with her. Animals were not to be taken over the border so the woman tucked the aminal under her shirt, pretending to be pregnant while they crossed. The woman slept peacefully that night with her new pet sleeping near by. Upon waking the next morning she found her dog to be extremely sick, so she took it the vet.

At the vets office as the woman sat in the waiting room she got odd stares from others in the office. A nurse came into the waiting room and immediately escourted her to a room. When the doctor came in and examined the dog, he asked "Where did you get this dog?" Not wanting to reveal that she had smuggled a dog into the states she told the man she had found the dog wandering the streets near her work. After a bit of coaxing the woman gave in and told the man what she had done. He responded by telling her,
1) this is not a dog but a 50 pound Mexican sewer rat, and
2) it has a horrible disease and its dying.




While if this tale were 100% true, said rat would have to look something like this.

while being mistaken for this.

but if you have a small dog that is as adorable as this one

Beware, you could be mistaken.
You could have something like this adorable little fella tucked under your arm in that $2,500 hand bag.

There are multiple variations of this tale but the funniest one I found was where the woman smuggled what she thought was an armadillo over the border only to take it to vet and discover it was a mexican sewer rat wearing a turtle shell... Really?
Yes really! here's the link http://www.all-lies.com/legends/animals/mexicanpet.shtml




Come back soon for another Legend!!


For those of you {if there are any of you, I like you] who have already seen this, I am fully aware that is a re-post from over a year ago. I been lost and now I am found, hopefully I can focus on this blog now and get traffic flowing to this site and our beloved Urban Legends. So please welcome back the Mexican Rat and get ready for other such as If Looks Could Kill 1 & 2, Grann'y Got a Gun, the Kind Hearted Car Thief, Bomb Burglar, and Tapioca Thinder.... I'll even be throwing out a few I know for a fact are from lands far far away.