Wedding Revenge

I spent the last week & a half (nearly two) most of which was spent having a dress made [yes, my shit is custom], figuring out what accessories would look perfect with it. Trying to fit everything I’d need in one suitcase so we wouldn’t have to pay a small fortune in luggage fees. Checking, checking, and re-checking my list, making sure I had everything to spend 2 ½ glorious day in the beautiful Portland, Oregon to attend the wedding of a cousin on my mother’s side.

The ceremony was a beautiful park atop a hill. I rocked the wedding in a killer red dress, black flats and a cute little blazer that kept me warm during the reception. I had intended to wear these super cute heel but after walking down hill to get to the wedding site and my heels slowly sinking in to the wet ground as we took picture I surrendered, accepting the fact that I was not meant to rock those cuties there. I spent the entire reception sipping on my drinks [I had 2 slow gin fizzes], making small talk with other guests, and avoiding the dance floor [with every fiber of my being] despite coaxing from family and complete strangers for fear that I would embarrass myself in front of Hottie-mc-bartender, who apparently also doubles as food server, busboy, and eye-candy… Any who my cousin looked completely gorgeous in her wedding gown and her new husband looked very dapper and you could just tell they make each other happy.

 

 

In honor of the happy new couple I decided to do the Wedding Revenge. In some cases the story makes the Groom out to be the bad guy, in other it the Bride that does the betraying. Feeling for the men of the world I’m, going for the latter to prove that not all men are scum sucking pigs and that women can be total inconsiderate self-servant bitches. As always I’ve heard this one is true and apparently happened near Clemson University.

 

The families of the bride and groom come from far and wide to attend a beautiful wedding. The groom stands at the altar with a smile on his face as his future father-in-law walks his daughter down the aisle. They’re all smiles, tears, and cheers as the exchange vow, place the rings on each other’s finger and share their first kiss. The guest toss rice and blow bubbles as the new couple exit the church and head off for the reception.

 

The guests gather at the reception site as they await the arrival of the new couple. When they arrive the dancing and drinking begin. The groom soon takes the stage, mic in hand ready to give his toast. “Excuse me.” he says as the music stops and everyone gives their undivided attention. “First I’d like to say thank you to the parents of my wife. They’ve made this entire wedding possible.” The in-laws exchange looks happy to provide for such a beautiful event. “I’d also like to say thank you to all our friends and family for attending our wedding, and bringing all these cards and gifts.” They guest cheer for being acknowledged. “To show my appreciation to all of you, there is a gift taped to the bottom of each of your seats.” They all dig under their chairs, excited what gift has been bestowed upon them. Gasps fill the room as the guest open their envelopes, viewing its contents. “You see, my lovely bride and my best friend have been having an affair. I’ve suspected for a while but the P.I. I hired confirmed.” The bride and best man look on mortified; they have no idea what to do. “Again, I’d like to say thank you to my in-laws for providing the lovely wedding and this great party!” He then looked to the bride and best man and said “FUCK YOU!” and then left.

 

As soon as the courthouse opened he went and had the marriage annulled.

 

Here’s to a master card moment.

                A beautiful wedding                                                                                             $30,000

                A fancy dinner for 400 people                                                                            $3,500
                Providing and open bar                                                                                       $2000
                The look on the bride face when she was boning the best man                  PRICELESS!

 

Again I like to say congrats Mrs. Jessi and Mr. Dan, whose marriage is sure to last decades longer than the couple in the urban legend!

Cheers to the happy couple!

Easy A

When you look at the title you’re probably thinking I mean that adorkable little movie starring Emma Stone and hottie Penn Badgley, well, I’m not. 

Penn Badgley

Ask around about the best way to get an A and most people will tell you “Study hard”. Some people will tell you “Cheat.” With ideas of writing the answers on your hands or copying off the brainiac that sits in front of you or even stealing the answers ahead of time. But we all know that cheating AND stealing is wrong.  *scoffs. Yeah right we’ve all stolen something and cheated... Right?     Eh hem!

 
So we’ve all heard the rumors before you get an A through grief, but you may be wondering how exactly does that work. Well, pipe down and I’ll tell you… sorry I was channeling Tarantino al a Zoe Bell.




So it goes like this; a young, promising academia was having a hard time with his current semester in college, so much so that he was in danger of being placed on academic probation (basically if he fails 2 consecutive semesters without a feasible cause they can and would take away is financial aid awards & scholarships.) He is desperate for a solution, anything to keep him in school and ultimately make his family proud and provide a better life for himself.

He’d heard the stories before around the campus—if you roommate dies you get a free A for the entire semester. In his mind there are only 3 ways this is going to happen; murder, suicide, or natural causes. Figuring the latter was least likely he is left with either finding a sad depressed person who would kill himself with a bit of coaxing or muddying his hands and taking the life of another student. He frantically searched the campus for any student that showed the slightest sign of suicidal tendencies, with no luck.

With time quickly running out and the semester nearing its end he knew if he was going to pass it was time to take a risk.

He knew in order to get the A he couldn’t earn on his own he’d have to take it into his own hands and kill his roommate. To make himself feel better about the impending act he told himself “My roommate is getting what’s coming to him” and “He isn’t a good guy.”

 

Many variations of this tale exist varying from campus to campus and state to state so the ending depends on where you hear it. Some say the roommate needs to have been murdered, accidentally killed, or be sickly and dying which would earn the surviving roommate a 4.0. Other versions say to the A you must experience the death of a parent, close relative or a significant other (or lover).

In reality some school will consider you grief when it comes to grading but there is no know college that will give you that coveted 4.0/A for a semester for you loss of someone close to you, accidental or not.

See is in a movie—

                Dead Man on Campus - 1998- starring Tom Everett Scott, Mark-Paul Gosselarr, and Poppy Montgomery.
And
                Dead Man’s Curve -1998- starring Matthew Lillard and Keri Russell

So if this story were true could you and would you be so desperate and callous that you could take the life of another human? Helpless and innocent or downright wicked could you do it for a semester of A’s? I know that’s not the type of people you are… Right?